The Young Ones : Karma
by Rossk
Summary: Unmade Younger Ones Episode From CHROSSTOPHER : The Boys get a visit from the mistress of Karma to put right all thier wrong doings. I dedicate this story to my Friend Reece Levene who persuaded me to move into writing young ones fan fiction.
1. Chapter 1

KARMA

KARMA

Neil ambled across the gritty kitchen floor in the dusty morning light , when he became aware all of a sudden his feet felt awfully squishy

"Oh...wow...I bet I've trod something horrible...like Bannaramas latest single" he muttered to himself as he lifted his foot up to examine it , but on the base of his foot was not the human remains of a group of 80's girls band but simply a dollop of tomatoe ketchup.

Neil wrinkled his nose " Oh ...Vyvian.. I bet he left this here when he had his cornflakes and ketchup...thanks for clearing it up Vyvian...Oh wait you didn't yeah...you just left it..so Like ..my foots all ketchupy....great...thanks yeah...."  
he said to no one in particular apart from SPG who had just scrabbled across the floor to inspect the ketchup before glancing up at Neil's sodden foot " ..whats TOMATOE with ya". he cackled in his glasweigan heavy hamster dialect.

Neil put his foot back on the floor with a squelch and carried on walking towards the kitchen cuboards " that's not funny SPG.." he mumbled as he reached out and wrapped his hand on the kitchen cupboard knob and tugged it , causing the entire door to break of its hinges and fall onto the counter sending wooden shards of it onto the floor.

Neil stared at it for a few seconds before groaning and feeling his shoulders slump " I bet..I just bet I step on one of those and it gives me splinters , and it will bleed and Like i wont even know about it because of the ketchup on my foot is the same colour as blood and then I wont go to hosptial because I wont like even know . So I will just bleed to death and then I'll be dead" .

"Hurry up and die you little gurrrllllllll or gimme ma breakfassst dunt care which just shut up aboot it " snapped SPG hopping onto the counter , Neil shoved the broken door into the bin and dusted himself off .

"I''d like to punch you but Id lose my PETA membership......right ok breakfast , may as well get my strength up .. " , Neil put his hand out to the rusty bread bin which Vyvian had scribbled a picture of a nob on and pulled it up to reveal a single solitary fresh piece of

crusty granary loaf , Neil reached out for it and held it in his hands in awe , like some sort of wheaty saint.

" Oh wow only one slice left and its me that get its for once , I must be on some good vibes or something " . But his speech became cut off by the minature chatterings of the hungry hamster next to him " OCH whit aboot me ya sod".

Neil craned his neck and pushed the flow of hair that had fallen over his eyes back with his finger tips and glanced over at him "Oh im sorry SPG do you want some ? ."

But SPG turned his nose up and laughed back at him with a shrill shout " Hamster's dunt eat breeeeeeda ya stoopid hippy" . Neil frowned at him but knew better to respond back , it's not like anyone listened to him anyway ,"I may as well have been a Leonard Cohen record" he thought to himself .

Neil pulled out a sack of grey pellets from the doorless cuboard and plonked them down on the counter , "do you want some hamster grub then?" he asked as he untaggled the fastening catch on top "No thanks " replied SPG .

"Why not? " said Neil as he stopped to smell the hamster food , it reminded him of that really really heavy stuff Dusty Dudley had sold him last week down at the Kebab and Calculator ,in fact it was almost replica to it , but as Neil was trying to figure out the connection his thoughts were once again abruptly shattered by the roving rodent

"Well ..IM STUFFED int I !!!!" .

Neil gave another groan , SPG made terrible jokes , he was best left ignored it was too early for an arguement but not too early to miss Scooby Doo " Wow...if i hurry I can eat my breakfast and watch scooby doo at the same time far out , I can't wait to see who it is thats haunting the school" remarked Neil .

He put the bread in the toaster and pressed the switch down till it settled into position and the grills changed from dull silver to a volcanic glow , and then began to wait.

But he quickly grew tired of waiting and muttered to himself  
"you know what they say , what's that saying...a watched toaster never boils..it's true... so like maybe if I look away it will do it , it must be just shy or something ok I'll do some washing up in the mean time... not like anyone else is going to do it..EVER"

With a sigh he plodded heavily back across the grit encrusted kitchen floor , "What is this stuff , I only hoovered yesterday...crumbs? soot? the burnt remains of 1000 lentil suppers..?"

In the end it didn't matter he knew he would have to clean it back up whatever it was , he carried on towards the sink stepping in another pile of ketchup on the way.

Upon reaching the sink he picked up a dirty plate and began to scrub away at it with a nearby sponge .

"Im not looking at you toaster..im not looking ..im not interested in having any toast today so theres no point of me checking to see if you have toasted the bread yet ....I really dont want any toast today ...." .

As Neil whistled aimlessley to himself as he continued to scrub away at the dishes , he was un aware a new figure had entered the kitchen .

Mike " The Cool " Person had strolled in wearing his dressing gown with a newspaper he had just collected off the Mat , he glanced around the kitchen and noticed the toast had just sprung up , cooler than a penguins bottom in a freezer he slid over and picked it out , picking out a plate from the doorless kitchen cupboard " I 've seen some strange things in my time , and also some things that have been strange but this is a whole new flavour of opal fruit " he remarked to SPG .  
SPG just nodded as he did not quite understand what it was Mike was actually saying , but nobody argued with Mike he was the boss of the household .

Mike pulled out some jam spread it on , " Not too thick and not too thin , but quite thick and quite thin at the same time , that's how I like it" , Mike screwed the lid back on and placed the jar into the cupboard picked up his newspaper and scanned the headline " Pope S**** in the wood , Bear address's Vatican........ hmm Now that's quite the twist around..." .  
Mike tucked the paper back under his arm and strolled out just as Neil had turned around from the sink.

"I bet it's done now , I bet I managed to trick the toaster " with an elated feeling of only mild depression as opposed to his normal manic Neil approached the toaster and peered inside only to see the remains of a few crumbs, Neil poked his finger's in just to make sure it was not invisible .

After finding it was not he looked around him trying to see who could have taken it.  
",,,tut typical the last piece of toast in the house and I thought I was going to get it .. but it gets vapourised I really should have expected that one,,,tut".

Neil shrugged and reached into the cupboard again " it's actually quite a time saver not having this door , I must save at least like 3 seconds not opening it,,and with all those 3 seconds....well over a year it will probably become like 15 minutes and 27 seconds or something like that.. and I can use it to better myself and the world.......or probably just fix a new door on in the time saved of not having it..because the guys will make me... I hate them....." 

He felt about and found a packet of cornflakes and pulled it out ,"only 2 years out of date...result.." , feeling once again elated to only mild depression he strode back to the table stepping in ketchup a third time and pulled back the deck chair that had been aquired for reasons unknown in the kitchen and tipped the box side ways jostling it to encourage the corn flakes out , but only a small lumpy plastic figurine popped out .

"Oh what..........oh yeah .. yeah brilliant..no one leave any cereal for Neil , yeah that's really good like .. thanks..alot...."  
He slumped his head into the bowl and mumbled " Im actually being sarcastic you know..I dont really think this is good at all....but sarcasm is the lowest

form of humor and well im feeling really low right now. "

He then noticed again the little boglin in the bowl and fished it out gripping it between his thumb and forefinger , it glared up at angrily , but Neil jumped up on to his feet , and began wavering it around in the air shouting "...OH WOW..amazing..its like a little plastic monster man ..oh yeah far out

you can be my little friend that no one knows about , I'll ignore the fact you were made in China by migrants for like 1 grain of rice a day

and you can be my listening buddy and I can talk to you when Im on a downer.... so i hope you like listening because ive never not been on one and....".

Neil became aware of a door creaking open and quickly whipped his new found treasure behind his back and tried to arrange his position to a less nervous guilty look , and Micheal once again strolled in and stared and Neil with a steely gaze , well what Neil thought was a steely gaze it's impossible to tell with the sun glasses.

Neil combed the hair out of his eyes and stuttered out to Mike who looked as if he was awaiting a response " morning Michael ".  
Mike stared back and looked around , He knew something was being hidden from him and he wasn't happy about it ..eventually his gaze fell back to Neil and he looked up at him  
"Not if your John Lennon it isnt" .  
"Oh.." replied Neil frowning confused at what Micheal was actually meaning, "No he was married to Yoko Ono.....and now he is dead..."

Mike then went silent and put his hands into his pockets , Neil shuffled uncomfortably and scratched at his head "Right ok but as your not John Lennon , you can have a good morning ..right?", there was another silence before Mike's head snapped back around to face Neil raising an eyebrow " ...well that depends Neil...."

"Depends? depends on what Micheal?" said Neil feeling the sweat of his hands run down onto his finger tips and around the boglin , he didn't want anyone else to have it or know about it.  
Mike broke his trail of thought as he spoke out "whether today is the day I complete my My Monster in my pocket ....and Im not talking about the one here"

he said pointing down to his nether regions "...collection" .

"Your monster in my pocket collection...oh right....?...what" Neil mumbled confused as Mike strolled towards the cornflakes and tipped the packet up side down but only some cornflakes dust scattered out to the floor , cornflake dust I'll have to clean up...thought Neil sadly , but not as sad as Mike who stood looking down at the floor shaking his head slowly "Now I know how all those woman who dont get to sleep with me feel.......disapointed".

Mike placed the box down on the table , and sighed...before glancing up coldy at Neil "you havent seen who took the free toy from the cereal have you??" , Neil fumbled with the monster behind his back and placed it into his trouser pocket where it sunk heavily both on his mind and towards his bottom .."umm.." . Mike took a step forward towards him  
"Neil?,,,Have you...?" , Neil closed his eyes and gulped down feeling sweat dripping onto his nose "I uhh...Uhhh...ohhh ..no? ".

Mike stayed silent before spinning on the balls of his heels and with a shrug calmly walked towards the door "....welll....never mind ..I can complete it another day..oh if Dusty Dudley comes by looking for me ..tell him its at the ten four red door but dont tell him i told you to tell him otherwise he might get confused..".

Neil scratched his head trying to remember what he just been told "Six Four purple door ..Right ok.."  
and just as he spoke that the kitchen door clicked shut as Mike had left and just as he spoke that the kitchen door clicked shut as Mike had left , almost instantly Neil pulled out the monster man with one hand and began tugging at his hair with the other

"Oh no ive lied to mike i should have given you to him but i havent and I lied...why did you make me lie..your bad news you are realy bad news....

I hate you ! OH NO wait thats some real bad Karma....ive lied and im hating....err err errr look im really sorry i dont hate you but like im gonna have to give you to Mike

its the only way I can balance the Karma".

Neil nodded to himself and clutched the monster tightly in his palm feeling its little plasticy claws scraping against the palm of his hand , he strode quickly with a degree of determination across the gritty kitchen floor , pausing only to look down at his feet when he stepped into the ketchup pile for the 4th time that morning. 


	2. Chapter 2

_Ne_il began to walk through the hallway being careful to avoid stepping on the colony of Monster Raving Loony Political party members that had decided to set up administration base in their hall way since the previous tuesday .One particullary gangly one with dirty blonde hair complete with clothes pegs woke up as he heard Neil's ketchup covered feet squelching on the carpet "Woah Neil Man...What do you think of this for our new Slogan......" It's a crazy idea...but your too lazy to come up with a better one than us " .

Neil stopped and frowned muttering it to himself , but then wrinkled his nose and shook his head " Sorry Rolo Man......I don't think people will go for it it doesnt ring true , they wont be able to relate to it ..its a bit crazy..". Rolo scowled and began pulling at a clothes peg that had twisted itself too many times in his hair " Yeah Well...can you come up with a better one then Neil Man?" . Neil shook his head " No I don't think so ..I am a bit too lazy for that..." .

Neil stepped over the rest of the sleeping wanna be politicans and began to pull himself slowly up the stairs only to hear a tiny pitter patter of feet next to him as Special Patrol Group

began scrambling beside him " I'll race ya to the toop!! !" he squeaked in a gruff manner as he leapt one step at a time .  
Neil watched as SPG took the lead and sighed " ...Well If I tell myself I really really want to be 2nd and I achieve it.. then I will feel I will done something useful with myself and I can be proud that I set out what I wanted to achieve " .

And with that took 3 more steps upwards drawing himself closer to SPG who turned around and bared his teeth barking out " YILLLL NEVA TAK ME ALIVE AAAAAAAAHHHHH" .

Neil stopped and pondered this sentance " ..Where wont I Take you where Alive?.....what...well I suppose your funeral I couldn't like take you there alive...no...but there are alot of places I could take you if you wanted to go out , we can get an Ice cream but I bet they would be out of Mint Choc Chip..and I'd have to have bannana....again.....I hate bannana...Sigh.... I mean just once right i wish I didn't have to have Bannana.. I bet they haven't even run out of everything else I bet they are lying..they see me and probably say OH look its Neil everyone hide your ice creams and lets shove all the vanilla under the cushions just so Neil doesnt get any.....yeah... Facists... I cant believe they do that to me... you know it's just not..fa..." But before Neil could finish his completely off tanget rant his mind was penetrated once again by SPG's scottish tone " ACH Im a gonna Win" .

Neil blinked and remembered he was not in the ice cream shop anymore but in a race with a rodent and regained his composure stepping up 3 steps at once and reaching the top seconds before SPG could heave himself up the final step. Neil looked down at the panting hamster and realised he had beaten him to the top "..Oh Wow....I won...I've never won like anything in my life...oh WOW.....Jesus...Wow...oh wow ....this is..amazing....this is....oh wait..no Hang ..no... I told myself I wanted to be second... I failed... I set out to do something

and didn't even achieve that...tut...I'm having a really bum day today" .

Trying to blank out his disapointment Neil gripped his monster man and strode over to Mike's door , hanging on the door frame was a bra , with the label still attatched , Neil bent over

to get a closer look and read off the blue and white label " Tescos Value Bra....." . Neil turned to SPG who was still panting from exhaustion on the floor and said to him " SPG..did you know..Tescos sell thier own value bras" "F*** Off" came the foul mouthed hamsters reply .

Gathering SPG was not in a talking mood Neil rapped on the door and heard Mike call out as he approached the door "I wont be a minute darling and Im not talking about ,,".

The door slowly was pulled open as Mike looked up and down at Neil "what can i do for you Neil but it better be quick.....and Im not talking about ....." .

Neil interupted him having already heard enough filth that day listening to SPG all morning and unwrapped his palm showing the boglin monster to Mike " huhuh..uh no mike like um..right ok i sort of um found this down under the table someone must have umm dropped it " .

Mike reached out his dressing gowned arm and plucked it from Neil's hand slowly drawing it back and gazing at it in a look of what Neil presumed was awe, again it was hard to figure out much from Mike with his sunglasses almost always attatched to his face ."My life is now fufilled..but I suppose I will carry on , otherwise there are many woman who would commit mass suicide" .

Mike turned it a few times more rolling it back and forth within his palm , Neil assumed he was now happy but found it difficult to tell due to the sunglasses which prompted him to ask "Mike..do you wear your sunglasses in bed?" .  
Mike stared at him for a few seconds then frowned "I dont know Neil" he then turned around his head into the bedroom and shouting "Do I wear my sunglasess in bed darling?"

A delicate female tone with a slight french accent spoke out "Yes you do ..i wish you wouldn't they get in the way ! when I want to kiss you " , Mike broke into a sweat and tugged at his dressing gown collar uneasy "woah easy ok..i think your going a little too fast there...we only just started sleeping together...."

Mike shut the door in Neil's face who stood there trying to make sence of his morning , he still had not had any breakfast and had lost his monster man best friend,,yet his Karma levels still felt a heavy sigh Neil turned and walked back towards the stairs were SPG was still panting , " SPG...what did the man who climbed Mount Everest do when he got to the top.........He said...I'll Ava rest......." .  
Spg continued to wheeze paying no attention to Neil who had bent over to his knees closer "do you get it SPG...Av a Rest... and he just like climbed a really big mountain..Avarest

so he said he'd have an Everest...no wait ..it was the other way I mean umm"

"F**** OFF " Shouted SPG angrily causing Neil to jump back to his feet shrug and continue his walk back downstairs.


	3. Chapter 3

Back in the kitchen Neil began to pace back and forth across the still gritty tiles which reminded him he still had to clear up , he grabbed at his long hair and began to tug nervously and jabbered on to nobody as normal "Oh oh i dont understand it..ive amended my bad karma im sure of it I gave Mike his monster back.... but i feel so dirty still.....even if i went to the laundrette and put myself in them like 50 million times id still come out dirty and people will shout out poooo smelly hippy ,,,,,,anyway enough about yesterday ....ive got stained bad karma...the only thing i can think of....is to hide away..right..hide away ...from anymore Bad Karma coming to get me..for the rest of my life that way things cant get worse... " .

Neil stopped pacing and with a fierce look of determination , or as fierce as he could possibly manage strode across the kitchen stepping in the ketchup for the 5th time but not pausing as he grabbed a large box folded behind the bin , taking it out he turned the folds towards him and then placed it above his head blocking out his vision before he crouched to the ground laying down in his silent tescos value oranges cardboardy tomb , feeling content Neil let out a sigh of relief untill the door bell rung out .  
"Oh No....Well I'm not going to get it..I'm not part of that world now , its just me...a few lentils...and whats that here..." Neil muttered to himself reaching across the floor untill his hand landed in a pile of sticky goo " Ughh...Tomatoe Ketchup" .

The door bell continued to ring out with loud dongs and dings and a few bzzzings , which was caused through a dying battery which Neil would have to change at some point soon no doubt. The door bell continued buzzing untill a whiny shout from Rick upstairs cut into " Arent you gonna get the Vyvian?????" .  
Which was immediatley followed by a gruffer slurred drunken voice "Arent you gonna get that Rick????" . Rick felt outraged Vyvian had just disobyed him , and he was after all the peoples poet , he was the one who said what they were all thinking and could stand up the mass's and tell them what the kids wanted , or so he thought . So Rick got up off Cliff Richard duvet design set bed tripped over the 324 pages of his unfinished thesis of William Hague being Thatchers love child " NO Im not actually im above the menial task of door openineg actually!!!!" .

There was a brief silence in which Rick smuggly sneered thinking he had won and Vyvian had decided to go and answer the door , but Ricks thoughts were quickly cut into by another shout "your gonna get it or Ill smash your girle face in " .

Rick hurried down the landing and stomped down the stairs two at a time as the door bell continued to ring out "blummin flip hold on hold on ..really this is most inconvinent...i cant BELIVE i have to do this right whislt i was in the midst of studying for my exams "." Rubbish...you were W***** over *the Radio times interview with Felicity Kendall " shouted Vyvian.  
Causing Rick to stop half way down the stairs turn around in fury and shout back "I was not ", " were..." " NOT" .

Rick felt infuritated , how dare Vyvian accuse him of such rotten morbid thoughts over the rather brilliant Miss Kendall , and his thought began to wonder onto the episode of THe Good Life where they did nude gardening , Rick wasn't sure if this was a real episode but he tried hard to think about it and remember if the events did actually happen .

But just as Felicity was about to put down the large sunflower pot conviently covering her jugs in the brilliantly imagined episode that would have the BBC squares screeching for it to be cut immediatley in fear of a revolution ,Vyvian interupted once again " VIRGIN!!!!!" .

Rick rolled back his sleeves and pranced back up the stairs screeching " WIGHT youve asked for it Matey!! Oh bloody yes fisticuff revolutions!!" .

He stormed across the landing grabbed onto vyvians knob and yanked it , the door of course , what else? silly boy.

But was met by Vyvians fist in his face , and then treated to a first hand in depth close up look of a framed portrait of Johhny Rotten before Vyyian grabbed Rick by the jacket and slung him out sending him wobbling down the stairs and tumbling down " ow ow owwww oww ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow....eeeeew"_  
_Rick dusted himself off as he reached the bottom and rubbed his hand on his jeans " Who put Ketchup on the stairs!!!!......... Well anyway Vyvian.....I think we know who is Boss now!!

The door bell rung once again as Rick pulled it open to a short middle aged woman with long flowing hair , a shiny complexion on a perculiar angular shaped face with ruby earings danging on her little earlobes, moving his eyes down Rick observed her flowing purple dress marked with a pattern of stars and moons , it was most vulgar actually he thought before blurting out " Who on earth are you?" .


End file.
